During the Super Bowl this year, SickKids Foundation released a commercial with a girl named Kaitlyn.
She is 24 years old and was diagnosed with a rare disorder called VACTERL Syndrome.
So this hits close. Real close. VACTERL is part of what Adam was born with. You can see the E stands for Esophageal. By the grace of God he had no other anomalies, and wasn't considered VACTERL. It's not usually like that though. Usually babies are born with more than one. It's extremely rare to just have the isolated esophageal atresia (gap). Seeing this young girl, so healthy, at her age, accomplishing so much, absolutely shakes me to my core. It's amazing. It just really hits me how... Lucky - it's not luck though, how blessed we really are.
The flashbacks, the fear, of being pregnant and not knowing the extent of Adam's condition. Every week going for ultrasounds, juggling life, work, so much anxiety. Every minute in the NICU having extensive tests done around the clock to rule every possiblity out. Dealing with genetics when they are surprised it's "only the EA" and are up our ass for more tests to figure out why, because it's so rare to have such an isolated outcome. Being told that even though this rare it's amazing but we're going to have to stay for a year.
Not knowing how this will affect our baby later on in life. Will he swallow? Will he eat? Will he be able to sit at the lunch table by himself with his friends? Go to play on time? Eat breakfast and go to hockey practice?
Seeing this beautiful girl, grown up, becoming a nurse, with so many VACTERL issues, what she's accomplishing, when Adam only HAD the one....
The absolute guilt I feel. How can I even compare. How do I have the right to talk about this when my son is the way that he is now? Perfectly normal, like it didn't even happen. When he's not suffering from any of the other VACRL anomalies or associations. When he is the small percentage that is ok from all of this.
Why am I advocating and raising awareness when he's fine. When it doesn't affect us anymore. It's done, move on, be grateful. There are still families that are suffering every day, with what Adam didn't have.
I see it as how, why, how come he didn't have any of that when everyone else does? Matt quickly reminds me to ask instead, 'how come he was born with anything at all?!'
This is what I suffer with.
This is why I do whatever I can to help other people. Because I am in a position to do so.
It's not a bragging right. It's not a debt owed. It's not holding onto the 'one moment my child was sick' as someone so nicely put once. Though my baby didn't have any associated issues, we lived at the hospital every day and every night for eight months. My pregnancy was traumatic and absolutely ruined from the moment I found out during the anatomy scan.
Living in fear every single day, no diagnosis, no understanding of the extent of my baby's condition. Not knowing when he was born how long we were going to be there for. All. Day. Every. Day. He didn't see the sun for months. He didn't feel the breeze. He was attached to a wall, through suction, so he wouldn't die. He was intubated, unable to move, on hard narcotics when he was less than a year old. Poison in his system to keep him alive. Crying with no sound, no tears. Complications with his lungs they deflated for the surgery. Fed through the tube through his stomach. Meds. Throwing up the smallest of pieces of mushed food.
Sitting with a teacher at day care, who made sure his food was cut up small enough, who made sure he had a drink after every bite.
Not knowing if I CAN have another baby because I know that I CAN'T go through more ultrasound appointments. I can't re-live that fear, anxiety, trauma that even the thought of paralyzes my body.
But somehow feeling guilty because of where we are now. Regardless of the pain of what we've been through. Others have it worse, so I'm not entitled to feel my pain.
This is what I struggle with.
To navigate our blog, you can scroll through the posts, or if you're looking for something specific - you can click on a category below & it will take you to related posts! • k&j