I was chatting with three of my oldest girlfriends last weekend about what to register for when having a baby. These are a group of friends who have been by my side through it all, there is no BS, no drama, just four loyal girlfriends that came together through the unique sport of synchronized swimming years ago when we were just kids. Three out of the four of us have kiddos and the fourth is expecting in the new year! The new mama-to-be wanted our opinions of the “must have” items for the new baby. Despite the negative experiences my boy’s faced when they were babies along with the difficulties I had getting pregnant, I still LOVE all things baby! I was so excited to look at her baby registry. As we started discussing the must-have items, my two other friends with kids made general comments such as, “you cannot survive the first three months without X, Y & Z”. I would just laugh and say “well I didn’t need any of that stuff haha”; I didn’t need that stuff because my babies were critically ill and in the NICU at Sick Kids. I find that anytime I try to make a funny joke or comment on MY experience of being in the hospital, most people respond by saying things like, but…. “everything‘s OK now”, but... “you got through it”, but... “it’s over”, but…”look at your boys now”. I know these comments come with good intentions when they find the conversation uncomfortable but I find comments like this to be upsetting rather than encouraging as they minimize my lived experience.
Without being offensive to my girlfriends, I know that I am super sensitive and aware of the “but” comments. I love them and am super happy that my friends have healthy babies and cannot wait to meet the new member of our crew but looking at a baby register and talking about what is needed for the first 3 months still brings up sadness. I think as a society, we need to recognize that everyone deals with trauma differently and there shouldn’t be a timeline on your healing. Things may trigger you YEARS later and it’s normal AND okay that triggers bring you right back to the trauma. When people find out about my kids’ stories, another common response is to tell me about another kid they knew who was sick. People would respond by saying things like, “well, my sister’s husband’s cousin’s kid has cancer and they are being treated at Sick Kids and it’s really bad”. These responses would (and still do) infuriate me! I know that many people experience hardship but it’s not a competition, we have to be supportive and understanding of all circumstances. The crazy thing is that one day I found myself responding to someone making a generalized comment about a kid and family I didn’t even know! WTF, I know exactly how it feels to be on the receiving end and I still responded this way! I was shocked when I caught myself. I KNEW BETTER! It made me realize how we all want to find a solution or give hope to an uncomfortable situation instead of just acknowledging the feelings and sitting with the discomfort of the situation. I always wondered why people didn’t respond by saying things like: “I’m so sorry that was your experience”; “That is unfair and shitty”; “This was not your fault and you, your boys and family didn’t deserve this”; “It’s okay to still be angry and sad about your experience even though your kids are older”; “I’m so glad to see your boys doing well; how have you been coping?” These types of comments were seldomly said and yet it's what I really needed to hear, especially in the thick of it. I conscientiously try to provide these kinds of supportive comments to people in my life but clearly it’s not always a natural response. Why? I recognized all that I had to be grateful for but I was still angry and had so much built up rage. I started listening to A LOT of audio books during my walks. I gravitated towards books by women explaining what it means to be a woman and a mother in today's world along with the accompanying endless expectations. I really related to Rachel’s Hollis books, Girl Wash Your Face and Girl Stop Apologizing. I am also a huge fan of Brene Brown’s work and Glennon Doyle’s book Untamed. All these books pointed out the same main messages that I was getting from our society. The main ones being: always be grateful, mothers are selfless and love being moms and women never show anger. These books helped me realize that even after giving birth we are still just humans and being a mom doesn’t give you angel wings or some crazy superpowers that everyone talks about. It does however, distort your body LOL! But seriously, listening to these authors made me realize that I myself, and society as a whole has to be kinder to ourselves; it’s impossible to be perfect at everything…. My experience really left me wondering why does our society always rush to try and give advice to make things better? Why is listening to feelings so uncomfortable? Why isn't there room for anger to sit beside gratitude? For me, when people acknowledge(d) the crap in a situation, I felt heard and my experiences felt validated. I continue to work on listening and supporting the experiences of others without trying to problem solve or draw comparisons. I’m not perfect and sometimes, I find myself sliding back into comfortable territory of glossing over feelings to offer solutions or “reminders”. But I stick with it, and I challenge you to reflect on how you respond to other people’s emotional situations and spend some time acknowledging the experience of others - you may be the first one to do it!
0 Comments
Let's talk about feelings today. The ones that no one ever talks about. I'll start by telling you about how one of our favourite nurses used to force me to sit outside on her lunch hour. She'd often sit with me, or make me promise that I'd be there by the time she came back. (One time I wasn't, because a bird pooped on my arm lol! And everyone on the unit knew I was back early and gave me crap about it - no pun intended lol!) But I used to sit outside, on the NW corner of SickKids, close to the entrance in case I had to run back in… forcing myself to get some air, because everyone was saying that I had to. I'd watch the birds, squirrels, and people walk by. I hated watching people walk by. I hated seeing mom's with their strollers and their healthy babies, oblivious to what was going on just steps away inside SickKids. I hated seeing UppaBaby strollers that looked like mine on the sidewalk - where mine should be, but isn't. I was so damn mad at the people who could just get up and walk around, who could feel the air and the sunshine. Who could literally just pick up their baby or child and buckle them into a carseat and take them anywhere, at any moment, with nothing to worry about. Why do these people get to walk around with their healthy child and I don't?! They have NO idea what is going on behind those walls. Look at her with her Starbucks, her purse, her shopping bag. Going home to sit on her couch, cook dinner, play with her baby. Sleep in her own damn bed. How is any of this fair?! I used to HATE sitting outside. I felt robbed. I felt robbed of every experience, even something as simple as feeling the summer air on our faces. Adam doesn't get to, he's stuck in an obs room tethered to the wall with monitors and suctions. We were robbed of so damn much. Spring. Seeing the flowers bloom. Summer. Going to cottages, playing in the sand, boat rides. Events. Concerts, weddings, celebrations. Holidays. Our first Mother's Day and Father's Day were spent in a hospital room. We didn't celebrate our first Thanksgiving. But it was the simple things. The walks. The car rides. The fresh air. The wind. The sun. The birds and the squirrels. We were so robbed. And going back into SickKids was just as bad. Because after feeling all of those hurtful, angry, sad, depressing, frustrated feelings… I'd walk back in and then feel guilt. Guilt because I will get to go home. I'll be the one who is picking up my son and strapping him into a carseat at any given moment. Taking the stroller out and breathing the fresh air. The guilt was consuming. Because all of the anger I just felt, was like a slap in the face once I walked through those doors and saw parents with children who were sicker than Adam. Who may not ever make it out of those walls. Who are bound to a wheelchair. AND HERE I AM AGAIN THINKING, "Kayla you get to experience it, you're home now, stop complaining"... Comparative suffering. It's a bitch. Don't do it. It gets us nowhere. We are ALL entitled to our feelings. Our pain and suffering is SO VALID. No matter what. There will always be someone who has it worse than us. But in the kindest way possible - that's not our story to worry about. We need to focus on our own. We need to acknowledge our own pain and our own suffering and validate our own feelings. No one can tell you how to feel. No matter what those feelings are - they are real, they are valid. They are yours. Own them. I literally just had this conversation with my therapist, and it was one that really hit hard. You don't need to compare your suffering. Your feelings are real, and they matter. Even those feelings of hate, jealously, pain, suffering, guilt. They're valid, even if we don't want to agree with them. Brene Brown has a podcast episode dedicated to comparative suffering.
https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-on-comparative-suffering-the-50-50-myth-and-settling-the-ball/ Even just googling it, there are a ton of resources, opinions, and experiences. It helps knowing that we are not alone in our thoughts and our feelings, even if we are validating them for ourselves, it's always nice to know there are other people who 'get it' and that we are not alone. |
To navigate the BTB blog, you can scroll through the posts, or if you're looking for something specific - you can click on a category below & it will take you to related posts!
••• k Archives
September 2022
Categories
All
|